Jokes: Some Good, Some Bad…

Here’s some yuk-yuks for ya… not my material, I assure you.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my
own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said
Implants?” She hit me.

4. I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

6. I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.

11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person
you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I
ve stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for
Miss America?

15. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words:
“Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

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