Defamer.com gets credit for this amazing graphic…
Call me cynical, but I had a conversation with my girlfriend about this sham of a relationship involving Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and now the New York Post is echoing my words.
So, you’re an actor who has always been thought of as a sex symbol but you’re getting older and you’re not getting the attention of the kids anymore. You have a big movie coming out and you need a box office blowout to pay for a new wing on the Hollywood Scientology Center. What’s a P.R. expert to do to get you write-ups in Seventeen? Enter Katie Holmes, a recently single actress who has garnered critical praise for her latest films. (Just pretend “First Daughter” never happened…)
Anyway, the whole thing is faker than Joan Rivers’ cheekbones.
Imagine this screenplay… Fade up on America circa 1982…Cute young guy becomes young hunk movie star in his underwear. Let’s just call him ‘Tom”. Producers take notice.
Now, after many bit hit movies, the producers discover their male lead has a less than masculine penchant for other men sexually. Well the producers help Tom create a series of relationship smokescreens to keep the ladies swooning and the ticket revenue flowing.
Well , after a while poor Tom is very confused and doesn’t even know who he is anymore. In this vulnerable state he is seduced by an Alien Cult that is based on some pretty wacky ideas, and the always solid foundations of serious cash. Tom falls into a trance and gives his all to his new masters. Soon he is even setting up massage tents for snaring unsuspecting steadycam operators.
Well, Tom does so well that the number of Cult devotees swell, giving Tom special powers. He is now producing his own stuff.!!
Soon the producers own religous foundations (of cash) are threatened. Well, they are pissed! After all their cash based religion came first.
The producers then see a chance to take down the alien race by having Tom attacked by a giant mechanical thresher. After failing, they decide to out him on a major television show watched by his adoring female masses. Knowing he is not a very convincing ‘kisser of girls’ their plan unfolds.
However Tom is ready and launches a radio show that terrifies the public and then unleashes his giant armada of alien mailings. The US postal service surrender, the producers are forced into making meaningful art films and Katie Holmes ends up safe, with a normal guy.
Fade out. I love a happy ending.